Mother's Day {Torn}

My heart was torn this Mother's Day...

A big part of my heart was filled with thankfulness and love for my mom and what she means to me.  {Bummed I didn't get a picture with her.}

And then, of course, I am so thankful and blessed that God chose me to be Max's mom...

But there was another part of my heart today that was burdened for all of the "I-want-to-be-a-mom-but-I'm-not" women out there.  Some of them I know personally, and many I have never met.  I haven't forgotten what it feels like to be a wanna-be mom on Mother's Day.

So, I prayed for you today...whoever you are.

This is what I want you to know...

Being infertile is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  It's one of the major circumstances in my life that tested my faith and my trust in God.  Up until that point, my life had pretty much gone according to my plans.

Born into a loving family who taught me about the love of Jesus

Blessed with lots of great friends

Graduated from college

Met the love of my life

Got a teaching job right out of college

Married the love of my life

Unsuccessfully trying to have children for 5 years, not part of my plan.  But infertility allowed me to be Max's mom and I wouldn't trade him for any pregnancy in the world.

More than anything, I want you to remember that God is in control.  He knows your heart and your desire to be a mom and he wants you to trust Him.

If you are a wanna-be mom, I would be honored if you would email me so that I can pray for you specifically.

Trip to Australia

I hope this poem encourages any of you that have been or are on your adoption journey...


Trip to Australia


Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia.  You've heard it's a wonderful place.  You've read many guidebooks and feel certain you're ready to go.  Everyone you know has traveled there by plane.  They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.


So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia.  All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia.  It seems there is no seat for you:  You'll have to wait for the next flight.  Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait - and wait - and wait.  


Flights to Australia continue to come and go.  People say silly things like, "Relax, you'll get a flight soon."  Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry.  "It's not fair!"


After  a long time the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia.  Perhaps you should think about going by boat."


"By boat!" you say, "going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money, I really had my heart set on going by plane."  So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all.  You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air.  But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.


It's a long trip, many months over many rough seas.  No one pampers you.  You wonder if you will ever see Australia.  Meanwhile, you friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip.

Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia.  It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea.  You have made many friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than air.  

People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice.  Some say things like, "Oh, be glad you didn't fly.  My flight was horrible: traveling by sea is so easy."

You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia.  Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you got there, but in the place itself.

Credits: adoption.com

International Adoption {China} Part 1

I found Kelly's blog through the We Are Grafted In website.  Kelly is the organizer, facilitator, etc, etc... for this amazing resource for adoptive families.  If you haven't checked it out, you should definitely give it a looksy.  

I only know Kelly through the blog world, but I am certain that she is passionate about adoption!  Her family's story about why they adopted is so neat, I didn't want you to miss it so I am posting it seperate from the other question and answers.  You'll get Part 2 tomorrow. {Which works perfectly for me because this 31 day challenge thing is more difficult then I thought it would be!}

Why did you adopt?

Infertility treatments. Ugh. Hardest season of my life. Experienced the joy of becoming pregnant…twice…and lost two babies. I remember very clearly after the second miscarriage sitting with my husband as he tried to comfort me. And, then it hit me. I told him, “I feel like I’ve been trying so hard to make my calling to be a mother that I’ve missed what it is God has called me to.” My purpose during that time was to become a mom—it drove me, was all I thought about, broke my heart on a regular basis when I was still not a mom. But, at that moment, I had peace. I still wanted to be a mom...but I knew I wanted to do what God had called me to do FIRST. The month after that, while we were taking a break from fertility treatment but still taking some medication to prepare for the next round of treatment, we became pregnant with my son Evan. That’s not the case with everyone—no doubt. But, what is the case is that God is present in all suffering and uses them to draw us to Himself.

When Evan was a year old, surprise! We found ourselves mysteriously pregnant with our daughter Ashlyn. Didn’t even know that could happen the old-fashioned way. There we were, the couple who heard doctors say it would be “nearly impossible” for us to get pregnant, and now we had two kids 22 months apart. So there, science.

When Ashlyn was about 9 months old, my husband went to a wedding for a friend by himself since

I was still nursing and couldn’t leave the baby for so long. He came home late and laid beside me in bed telling me about the wedding—you know, everything a wife wants to hear about dresses, the cake, the menu, and all the excitement. He mentioned that he sat at a table with a couple who had just adopted a little boy from Russia. As far as they knew, they wouldn’t have trouble conceiving. But, they wanted to adopt as well as have kids biologically. And, they decided to adopt first. “I want to do that,” I announced. “Umm…what?” “I want to do that. Let’s adopt a little boy from Russia. Evan needs a brother. I’ve always had a heart for adoption. Come on, let’s do it.” Adoption had long been on my heart—since childhood really—but when we had gone through the “threat” of not being able to conceive, I just wasn’t ready emotionally for it. I think I may have heard some chuckles and a few “you’re crazy”s before we fell asleep. That night, I had a dream that I was right where I was in bed and a little girl approached the bedside and called me mommy. She was Asian. And, her name was Lydia. I didn’t speak her name; but, I knew what it was. I woke up and said to Mark, “That was a funny dream. I dreamt we had an Asian daughter named Lydia. But, I want a boy from Russia.”

I started researching and gathering info—for our Russian son, of course. But, a few months later, once again, surprise! We were pregnant. And, I was dumbfounded. And, I let go of the dream of adopting. Not long later, we lost now our third baby. And, soon after that, now intentionally trying to have another, we lost our fourth baby. When we got pregnant again, our specialist who was checking blood counts and doing ultrasounds every other day (any woman in the infertility club knows this drill) told us we were losing this baby too. We both cried. We went out to lunch together and started to accept the loss of yet another child. Why were we doing this? We’ve talked about adoption. Mark was open to adoption. Let’s stop trying to do this thing again and move forward with adopting. Yes, that’s what we’ll do. There was hope in our loss. And, we were ready to go to Russia for our boy.

Then, the doctor called us. More tests came back that weren’t so clear. Come back in a few days for a recheck. 7 months later, Drew was born.

But, I couldn’t let go of where God has brought us. We had felt so certain that God was calling us to adopt. Mark didn’t feel the same—he always had felt content with the children we had. He felt content with two. Then, he felt content with three. And, the idea of four was downright overwhelming. I kept pursuing adoption, kept talking about, kept researching. “I’m afraid I’ll regret it the rest of my life if we don’t do this.” “I look around at our dinner table and just feel like someone’s missing.” Mark listened. But, I realized I couldn’t push. If were going to do this, we both had to be in 100%.

The day Drew turned 1, on his actual birthday, Mark walked in the back door from work and said, “I think we’d be disobedient if we didn’t do it.” And, that was that. He was full in. And, with now two boys and a girl, we decided we’d ask for a girl. And, I remembered my dream.

Prayers Answered - I'm Not Pregnant

For about 5 months, we have been thinking about adding another little one to our family of three.  And lets face it, Max could use a playmate to help him learn that the world doesn't revolve around him.

Here was Wes' idea.  "Let's see if we can get pregnant over the summer."

My immediate and slightly sarcastic remark.  "Ummm, it's been six years since we started "trying".  I'm thinking that's not going to happen, but OK."

So...I prayed because my heart gets weary when I think too hard about pregnancy and the possibilities.

Part of me thinks I'll be OK if I never experience pregnancy, but I'm not sure if that's because there is still a slight chance that it could happen.  How will I feel when pregnancy is out of the picture?


The other part of me worries about having a biological child and I cringe at the thought of Max wondering if I love my biological children more than him.


That's why I prayed.

"By His will" we would receive our next child whether it be by pregnancy or adoption.  I love the peace that comes from sharing your heart and desires with God.  I knew that pregnancy or adoption would bring so much excitement to our lives.


My prayer was answered.

I'm not pregnant.

Our adoption application has been sent in.  We're in the process of filling out a ton of paperwork, getting background checks, collecting pictures and are excited to start the adoption journey again.

Paula's

Five years ago, Wes won a gift certificate to Paula's on Main.  It's a pricier (for us), eclectic, mainly seafood restaurant.  It's the type of restaurant that Wes and I would save for a special occasion.  That is exactly what we did.

We were going to save it for when I got pregnant.  I had these fantasies of driving Wes to Paula's blindfolded and seeing the surprised look on his face when he would figure out that the reason we were in Paula's parking lot was because we were going to have a baby.  Obviously, this didn't happen...and whenever Wes would come across the certificate he would say, "Do you just want to go to Paula's?"  My response was always, "I refuse to go until there is a baby in the picture."  ( I promise I said this in a very loving way.)  We always joked that we hoped the certificate didn't have an experation date.

Friday night we went to Paula's.

I love the toy hammer sitting so nicely next to the plants

(I'm surprised we didn't go straight from the hospital when we brought Max home.)  Apparantly, the last 7 months have gotten away from us, but we finally made it.

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."  Psalms 27:13-14  

I'm so thankful that part of His goodness included our little Max.