I could have sobbed. The kind where you make crazy, uncontrollable noises. The kind where your face makes some unsightly expressions. The kind that gives you the worst headache ever. But I didn't.
Right in the middle of the chaos of Chuck E. Cheese, I was watching my son being held by his birthmom. It was beautiful, awkward and humbling all at the same time.
It was beautiful.
She was staring at him and Max was staring right back at her. I could see the love she has for him and I would love to know what is going on in her mind. I will never know all that she thinks and dreams about for our little Max, but I do know one thing. She loves him bad.
It was awkward.
There were times when I felt so insecure. I found myself being very guarded about what I told her in fear that one of my parenting choices would disappoint her. I need to get over that. It's also hard to know how much to tell her. Does she want to know that he smiles now when I go to his crib in the morning? Or that he's especially fond of "Merle the Monkey" on his activity mat?
It was humbling.
It hit me. She gave her son to us. Talk about feeling unworthy. I wish everyone could know what that feels like.
I wanted Max to smile for her. He didn't. The entire 2 hours we were together he didn't crack one little grin. I was so bummed. I wanted to give her that gift. As we were heading to our cars, Max woke up and she wanted to take just one more picture. She leaned down to him and said, "I love you" and he gave her a huge toothless smile. I'm pretty sure she did a little dance.
I think we were both very satisfied with how well the evening went and we're ready to do it again in December.
Oh yeah. When I got in the car, I sobbed.